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[ ♪ ♪ ] >> welcome back. how many of you have gone out and bought this outfit already? next week an artist gets redemption. how to draw a cartoon character. >> the body is shaped like that. a strange shape. you can do a little thing wings
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right there. the tail, rotor, whatever the helicopter people call it. let's see what you do. follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the show, keep up with comedy and buy stuff from our store. come see me in vegas. the mirrage, i'm there a lot. tickets go on sale february 3rd from my standup tour. 17 new u.s. cities, with special guests. i get that off the no fly list. we have been away a couple months. i missed news stories, here's some stuff that happened, russell brand and katy perry got sick of each other as we are of them. maybe they realized how freakish misshaped each other's heads are. >> mark sachez threw passes at his receivers feet. nick sabin said if something is hard, you can always quit and find another way to be successful.
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a key witness in the jerry sandusky trial died mysterious the president of china retired. "moneyball" marked the final performance of one of the best actors. you will be missed fat jonah hill. we learned the dangers of texting while driving a cruiseship, our soldiers showed they can piss whoever the hell they want. i'm todd came out of the pot cast. i can no longer be friends with you, but i am proud of you. good night, america. hello, milan! [ applause ]
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly.
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(laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. (laughter) you're welcome, jews. okay, that's called the colbert bump. speaking of me, everyone's speaking of me. >> south carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess who's stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> within hours after the announcement he set up a colbert for senate web site and established a twitter account,@colbert for se. >> i want to put pie vote in for stephen right now. she should give him serious consideration. god knows the u.s. senate could use stephen colbert. >> there is already a twitter page, a draft colbert web site. i can tell you having done a show with him in charleston, he is an absolute rock star in that state. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes, i am a rock star in south carolina and
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not just because i ended my rally there with herman cain by biting the head off a dove. it's a local delicacy. (laughter) >> stephen: lovely with a side of palms. they love me in the palmetto state because i love it. i love the beaches. i love the mountains. i love the beautiful old estates that have no negative historical connotation whatsoever. of course not everybody is happy about my imminent appointment. for instance the atlantic called my vastly overqualified. and said senator stephen colbert, perhaps not as crazy as senator jim demint. what? i am at least as crazy as jim demint. he wanted to ban gay teachers from the classroom. i want to ban teachers from the classroom. (laughter) with their knowledge agenda. i say let the free market decide what the atomic weight of carbon is. but mi the clear, mi the
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clear first choice here, folks. first of all the good people at public policy polling, publicly policy polled south carlinians today and found that of the possible replacements, i top south carolina voter's wish list with 20% supporting me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah. 20%, that's a half. now my network contract prohibits me from taking on another full-time job, so the senate would be perfect. (laughter) but we must, of course, honor the democratic process here, wherein one person picks whoever they want. now the last thing i want to do is put any pressure on governor haley, or try to
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influence her decision, not that that would work. she has the wisdom of salomon, the courage of lincoln, and the balls of margaret thatcher. (laughter) okay. but hotter, really hotter. i certainly don't want this senate appointment to turn into another blagojevich scandal where, and i'm just spit balling here, an ambitious would-be senator with a secret stash of nearly a million completely untraceable former super pac dollars uses that money to buy political influence by transferring all of it to a shadowy fund located if the governor's state of south carolina that no one would be able to trace. (laughter) that would be horrible if that came out. which it wouldn't because like i said, it's impossible to trace. (laughter) of course i can't be held responsible if other people try to influence her like the nearly 12,000 of you who
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lobbied for my appointment by tweeting@nikki haley which then forced the goff they are to respond on her facebook page writing stephen, thank you for your interest in south car line' u.s. senate seat and the thousands of tweets you and your fans sent me but you forget one thing, my friend, you didn't know our state drij, big, big mistake. now she's referring here to her appearance on my show back in april. i couldn't name south carolina state drink which is milk, they must have changed it because when i was a child it was a big gulp full of grain alcohol and hi-c. (laughter) now the lamestream media is saying nikki haley has shut the door on my senate bid. that is ridiculous. because if getting a south car linia trivia fact wrong disqualifies you for office then nikki haley would have step down after saying this. >> what's the state amphibian.
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>> hmm. >> stephen: oh, how does it feel when the spike shoe is on the other foot? it's the spotted salamander. oh. you know the state dish, governor? it's revenge. best served cold with a side of salamander milk. (laughter) so nation, do to the give up the fight. keep tweeting governor haley why i would make an ideal senator using the hashtag spotted salamander. (laughter) or, or governor, governor you can end this by coming on my show-and-telling me your decision in person. or we could meet somewhere more convenient, like my senate chambers. because i will remember who my friends are. now folks, since the brutal presidential election there has been a lot of soul-searching going on at fox news. an i am confident that they vent allly will find one. now-- eventually will find one. now while many people have called fox news an organ of
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the republican party t was not fox news's fault that republicans lost. it was this guy. it was-- shoot, what's his name. i know don't help me, done help me. mop squeegee. (laughter) fox news chairman and goblin king roger ailes wanted somebody else as "the washington post" recently reported in the spring of 2011 ailes asked a fox news analyst headed to afghanistan to pass on his thoughts to general david petraeus, resign from the military and run for president. and ailes wasn't just encouraging petraeus to run, he put a serious offer on the table. which was secretly taped i assume, by paula broadwell hiding under the table. (laughter) listen petraeus respond to ailes offer. >> tell him if i ever ran, but i won't, but if i ever
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ran i would take him up on his offer. >> okay, all right. >> he would quit fox. >> all right. >> and bankroll it or maybe i'm confused and that was rupert. >> i think one is bankrolling it. >> big boss is bankrolling it. rogg certificate going to run and the rest of russ going to be here in-house. >> stephen: okay so, if petraeus ran for president murdoch would pay for it, ailes would manage it, and fox news would sell it though their audience. now if you think about it, a news network choosing the candidate sounds like a conflict of interest. so don't think about it. because it's not really about conflict of interest. ailes said he did it because the republican field needed to be shaken up. so it was really just worried about casting his reality show. as a tv producer ailes was trying to avoid a repeat of 2008 when republicans nominated this cranky old
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guy who-- how to make a star. like watching a matlock marathon about who killed the economy. they couldn't save the john mccain show even by making his running mate honey boo boo. (laughter) now unfortunately, i think that's who that is. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: honey boo boo, a dollah makes me holda. now unfortunately, petraeus turned down roger ailes, i assume, to spend more time not making eye contact with his family. but folks, that does not mean ailes shouldn't try this again in 2016 or that other networks should. i mean msnbc has already picked their guy. i say-- (laughter) i say it is time, let's just give a & e a shot. they can choose one of those folks on hoarders. nothing gives a candidate historical perspective quite like saving every newspaper since 1932.
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and you want a candidate with military experience? the food network can nominate a red velvet cupcake. after all, it's been to war. now ailes has since said that the whole offer was really more of a joke. but you know it makes me think, why can't a comedy network put up a candidate for president? or-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: or at the very least get him appointed to the u.s. senate. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a grammy winning jazz pianist. i will interview her in the key of me. please welcome diana krall. (applause) good to see you. whooo! how are you? >> really good, thanks. >> stephen: all right, how you have been? >> really well, thanks. >> stephen: thanks for coming on. >> thank you for having me. a big fan of yours. >> stephen: i'm a fan of yours too. even though i don't always understand jazz. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. some-- you don't play the kind of jazz you need a ph.d
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for, do you? because there is some jazz that just -- >> i have an honorary ph.d but it is not a real ph.d. >> jon: . >> stephen: i have an honorary ph.d there fine art toots. >> dow. i feel so guilty with those people walking by without did the hard work. >> stephen: cruel. okay, now your new album is a bit of a depar ture. it's called glad rag doll. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is different about this album than previous albums of yours? >> different musician, different producer, t-bone burnett. and no standards at all. just old songs from the 1920s that i found on 78 records. >> stephen: where did you first hear these. >> on 78 record, growing up. >> stephen: so you were a child of the 19 --. >> yes, i was. >> stephen: you look fantastic for a 90-year-old woman. >> well, you know, i dressed up like groucho marx for halloween. i was really into the marks brothers. and my aunt was involved in 20s and my dad collected
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records and i thought everybody loved jazz and old music and johnson so i didn't start discovering until i was 16. i mean you didn't grow up in great america, you grew newspaper canada. >> but very close to the border. >> stephen: so-- you could put your ear to the border and hear music coming over? >> yes. i actually could. because we lived right, well, on vancouver island. >> stephen: the cover of this album, we have that cover up on the album right there. i didn't realize how much i liked jazz you got some heat for this. why did you get heat for this. are jazz women not allowed to be attractive? >> well, the title of the-- well it wasn't about being attractive. well, though that was fun to play dress up. i was just playing out of the dress up box. >> stephen: okay, sure, don't need to know. (laughter) >> publicly in the dress up box.
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but a lot of the idea of the flapper in the 20s, there is sort of a darker side was alfred finny johnson pictures of the-- girls were dressed very provocatively. and i was tracted to the song in glad rag doll which i found t is little painted lady, it isn't 5 foot 2 eyes of blue. it's little painted lady, and-- . >> stephen: about prostitutes. >> basically. >> stephen: we're all adults here. >> but if you listen to the lyrics you can find those same glad rag dolls today as you did at that time. i found it still-- . >> stephen: i wouldn't know, i'm married. >> it was still contemporary kind of tragic song. i'm drawn to kind of tragi tragic-- drawn to tragic lyrics, yes. >> stephen: when we come back will you show us what it is all about. >> i will have the great mark rib ot to help me do that to sing a song. >> we'll be right back with
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a performance by diana krall,
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>> stephen: here to perform the title track off other album glad rag doll with mark ribot, ladies and
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gentlemen, diana krall. ♪ all dolled up ♪ ♪ in glad rags ♪ tomorrow ♪ may turn to sad rags ♪ they call you glad rag doll ♪ ♪ snoed snoed admired ♪ desired ♪ by lovers who ♪ glad rag doll ♪ you're just
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♪ a pretty toy ♪ they like to play with ♪ you're not the kind they choose ♪ ♪ to grow old and grey with ♪ ♪ don't make this the end here ♪ ♪ it's never too late to mend you ♪ ♪ poor little glad rag doll ♪ ♪ ♪ you're just a pretty toy ♪
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♪ they like to play with ♪ you're not the kind they choose ♪ ♪ to grow old and gray with ♪ ♪ don't make this the end here ♪ ♪ it's never too late to
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mend you ♪ ♪ poor little glad rag doll ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: diana krall, glad rag doll, we'll be right back. 
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♪ have yourself ♪ a merry little christmas ♪ ♪ let your heart be light
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♪ from now on ♪ our troubles will be out of 150i9 ♪ ♪ ♪ have yourself a merry little christmas ♪ ♪ make the yuletide gay ♪ snot from now on ♪ our trouble its will be miles away ♪ ♪ ♪ here we are ♪ just as in old endays ♪ happy golden days of you ♪ with friends who are dear
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to us ♪ ♪ gather near to us ♪ once more ♪ through the years ♪ we all will be together ♪ if the fates allow ♪ until then ♪ we'll have to muddle through somehow ♪ ♪ ♪ and have yourself ♪ a merry little christmas ♪ now ♪ sses good night,
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everybody. (cheers and applause) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. bishop gene robinson is going to be here a all i know about
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religion is this: apparently he can only move diagonally. that's a chess move, baby. a bishop chess joke. let me just give you my lunch money now. let's begin tonight in the world of sport. i don't know if anybody here knows this. i happen to enjoy sport. i like watching other people talk about them. i like listening to people on the radio call in to talk about sports. you know what i do with that knowledge? i make can't-miss bets. you know what i do with my winnings? you think i do nice things with them for society? no. i spend all my gambling winnings on the first commercial i see after a game ends. hello, brooklyn lantern. looks like some people won't have to eat pasta again with a

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central December 11, 2012 6:55pm-7:30pm PST

Diana Krall and Elvis Costello News/Business. Diana Krall, Elvis Costello. (2012) Diana Krall and Elvis Costello. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Stephen 14, Ailes 6, U.s. 4, Us 4, South Carolina 4, Diana Krall 4, Stephen Colbert 3, Colbert 3, Nikki Haley 3, Jim Demint 3, America 2, Jon Stewart 2, Haley 2, Roger Ailes 2, Lincoln 1, China 1, Salomon 1, Charleston 1, Milan 1, Afghanistan 1
Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:35:00
Rating PG-13;L
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Virtual Ch. 63 (COM-W)
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec ac3
Pixel width 528
Pixel height 480
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color

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on 12/12/2012